house_wren

There are a number of songs that make me cry every time I hear them. One is 'Bring Me Sunshine.' I like it, but I imagine it performed as a slow, sad song, with a sparse arrangement, as if the singer was painfully remembering past happiness. I try to hear it as present happiness, but it always seems full of sorrow.


For many, many years I went once a week to a knitting group, hoping to find some friends. I recently decided to stop going. This is mostly to do with protecting myself, since my immune system is wonky and I take meds that make it lazy, but it also has to do with recognizing that even after all this time, they've remained acquaintances, not friends. It took me a long time to realize my expectations of them were unrealistic. I have felt sad and disappointed and sometimes resentful and sometimes foolish. Today I'm feeling relief, which makes me think this is a good decision.

I'm going to find something special to do once a week, on the day that group meets. I might stay home or leave the house; either way I want to do something out of the ordinary, as a distraction, so I don't dwell on things I have no control over.


Today's nature sightings: 3 hawks, an eagle's nest, a tufted titmouse, a nuthatch. And sunshine. Lots of sunshine.

Reading journals on Dreamwidth is comforting. I like the glimpses into someone's day; it helps me see the importance of the ordinary and helps me value my life as it is (rather than wanting it to be different.) So, thank you, everyone.

In a similar way, the book I'm reading (DAILY RITUALS: HOW ARTISTS WORK, edited and with text by Mason Curry) is comforting. The author has collected information on how 161 writers, painters, composers, scientists (etc) got their work done. Some kept strict schedules, some procrastinated, some drank, some worked 18 hours a day. It doesn't matter how you work is what I take from it. All the advice about the 'right' way to approach creating something, the advice that is sold to people who want to write or paint - it doesn't matter. There's no right way. Do it whatever way you can. Or not. Don't do anything. That's okay too.

All this made me think of the advice, "Just be yourself" which I never heard without quickly being told "Not like that." Ha.

Today I went to the endodontist for a problem with my tooth that the dentist could not fix. The endodontist has referred me to the oral surgeon. Oh. Great. Something...blah blah...the root...the bone...cutting...blah blah...inflammation.... Yikes.

On the bright side, even though I was told today's visit would cost me $200, they did not charge me anything. That is excellent. Now I'm working on accepting that I will have something to endure at the oral surgeon's which may or may not save my tooth. I can't avoid this.

On the way home the sun was low in the sky and was hitting the ice on the trees, making them look like beads. Also saw four bald eagles feasting on dead deer.

Last week there was a dead dear on our property. It took about 4 days for it to be cleaned up. The crows would sit in the trees watching the eagles feast, and as soon as the eagles left, the crows got to eat.

I've been reading McMansionHell.com written by Kate Wagner and it clears my mind. It's so good. I scrolled all the way to the bottom to find her first entry so I could read it in chronological order. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud. Today I was early for my appointment, so I spent 30 minutes driving around the development by the golf course checking out the McMansions. I could see so many of the features Kate Wagner describes: lawyer foyers, nubs, multiple types of siding, fake columns, huge garages, etc. The best thing, though, was on the drive home, which is about 50 miles through the countryside, I had a new perspective on all the small, 'regular' houses. I could notice the features which seem so familiar as to be unimportant, but that are actually demonstrating good design and architectural principles.

Also today: I saw the crescent moon, which even after seeing it for all these years, still feels like a lucky token.

I live in a rural place: approximately 38 people per square mile. It's not the poorest county in the state, but it is one of the poorer ones.

In 2023 the largest food pantry in the county (one of 7; most are small) delivered more than 225 tons of food using 7,634 volunteer hours. The operating expenses were $90,746; donations received were $81,582. This was reported in their newsletter.

In 2023 they served 7,254 households comprising a total of 18,341 people. This is about 60% of the whole population of the county.

This a 70% increase in the number of households served. 70% MORE THAN LAST YEAR AND WHY ISN'T THIS THE HEADLINE IN THE LOCAL NEWS????

oh. sorry. shouting.

It's wicked witch weather - the snow is disappearing. Every day has been foggy. I look forward to having sunshine again.

This past year I kept track of expenses with pencil and paper instead of the computer spreadsheet. It was surprisingly easy and quick.

I only need one more piece of information and I will have everything ready for preparing the taxes.

My art room is in chaos as I sort through my belongings. Today I looked at some calligraphy reference material; I boxed some and I discarded some.

It's hard to focus when things are so messy. I have to pick one task to do and ignore everything else.

Today I was in pain and spent a lot of the day in bed.

Perfume today was Room 1015's Cherry Punk. No one is around so I can wear as much as I like.

I've been sick for almost three years. It still feels new, as if it has been three weeks.

I feel a great sadness. I feel homesick. Not for an actual place, but for a feeling of belonging.

Ha! Snowed in again! This might be the most snow we've had in 15 years of living here. Or maybe it only seems that way because we are not yet plowed out. The drift in front of the door is about 18" high.

The sun shone for a short time; everything sparkled.

It's 1, as in one degree Fahrenheit, and that is the high for tomorrow. Severe cold, which we will have for 3 days, means that it will feel warm on Wednesday when it is predicted to go up to 15.

I am not complaining. I like wintertime. I've lived in a warm, snowless climate and I prefer having all four seasons.

I'm sorting through my possessions in preparation for moving to a small duplex. I found my treasure box of nature items: a milkweed flower that still has it's sweet scent, a eucalyptus leaf, sand from the beach that has sparkles, tiny rocks from the beach that were tumbled smooth by the ocean, star shaped flowers from the hoya plant I used to have. Each one triggers a memory of a particular place and time--a full sensory memory.

On New Year's Eve my neighbors had a bonfire with just a few friends. It was windy, but the fire pit was a bit off the top of the hill and so the fire behaved well. I wore my old coat. It's washable, but I'm enjoying the smoky scent it has now.

I went to orthopedics about my shoulder. Had xrays. Turns out, my shoulder is not the source of the constant pain that I'm having -- hurrah for that! The problem is (possibly) very, very tight muscles in my neck and upper back. I have a plan for self care and a referral to PT for when I want to go. If it's still not better, I have a referral to another speciality, fancy scans, etc.

Today for lunch we had a big bowl of berries topped with coffee gelato and shaved chocolate and chopped salty nuts and accompanied with amaretti cookies. Because we are adults.

For the first time, I watched lots of end-of-the-year k-drama awards on Viki. I don't know much about them, but they are different from shows like the BAFTAs or EMMYs in various ways. For example, each broadcaster does their own program. It's more an in-house promotion than a national competition perhaps. The clothes worn were beautiful, and not meant to shock or titillate. The short speeches the winners gave were full of 'thank you' comments, as expected, and many spoke of wanting to be a better actor. I generally dislike and avoid award shows, but I enjoyed these.

No snow. Just grey days. The drought will continue.

1. Relatives took a very old family member who has dementia out to a restaurant and refused to take her to the restroom when she asked. So of course she peed in her pants. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!!!

2. Big, expensive repairs happening with the heating system today. The workers are wearing masks and I appreciate that a lot.

3. Short winter days mean I won't miss the sunrise; today it was colorful.

4. I want to be making things, but my hands only want rest or ice or warm water. Making things has always been how I renew myself. Not making things leaves me bored.

My friend is friends with someone I cannot stand. I've been careful to keep my opinion to myself, since it really isn't anyone else's business.

I find the difficult person to be two-faced, which I hate, and always ready to speak up with uninvited advice and criticism. Fortunately for me, I never bump into this person anymore.

Recently my friend confided that The Difficult One had harshly shared one too many judgments about my friend's choices, and that their friendship had changed to be more like acquaintances. Hah! I held my tongue and listened without adding any fuel to the fire, and I feel good about this. But I feel vindicated! Ha!

Once a week, on Sunday night, I take a medication that makes me even more exhausted than I usually am. I fight this; I try to force myself to get up. But this week I chose to stay in bed all day Monday and Tuesday, napping, reading, & watching k-dramas. I don't know if all that resting is why today I have been able to do the chores I do daily (clean the cat litter, take out the garbage & wash dishes) AND ALSO sweep the stoop, vacuum the hallway, mop the entryway, do laundry and sort through the china cabinet to choose what to give away. Wow.

Tomorrow I find out if all that activity was too much.

I have a new bottle of perfume, Ummagumma by Fzotic, and am enjoying complete solitude, so I have doused myself with scent. Yum.

I loved making this crocheted bag. None of my friends like it! hahaha! That won't stop me from making more weird things. I have plenty of ideas.

I think I previously posted this photo somewhere on DW but I can't recall where.