house_wren

It's sunny. I saw a field full of robins. It being March, tomorrow the field will be filled with snow.

The oldest member of the family has died. This person had endured a difficult childhood and a great disappointment as a young adult. I think the disappointment never left. Still, there were some happier times and the death was quick and safe and with little suffering.

I'm not sure this person ever got to the point of "Things didn't turn out as I had hoped and I am okay anyway." Does anyone's life turn out as they had hoped? Perhaps?

Now that I am old and unwell I spend time doing nothing at all. Plenty of time to ruminate on how my life turned out, which was, of course, not as I had hoped it would. I have a lot of grief, a lot of uncomfortable feelings. When I try to discuss this with anyone, people try to talk me out of what I feel.

I don't feel heard. I think I need to meet someone old and ill who might be able to relate to me.

I spent a lot of time learning to 'behave,' to be polite, to fit in, to hide. It allowed me to pass for normal, but evidently it didn't work as well as I thought it did. What I thought was acceptance was often just being tolerated. I wish I had been able to be weirder, to be myself, to protect myself without having to focus on pleasing others so much. Now that I've moved to this country of impairment by illness, I want to find a way to be okay with myself and my situation. I want to be in reality. I want to not be distracted by people who don't actually care about me.

I finally saw an oral surgeon. He told me exactly what my dentist and the endodontist told me: there was a possibility I would need a procedure or that I would need my tooth removed. He saw no reason to do either at this point. If pain increases, I should return.

I won't be returning to his office though. Most of the staff seemed lifeless and unfriendly. The vibe of the office was alienating . . . deadening. My medical history was reviewed and I discussed being immunocompromised, but still I had to ask the assistant to wear the mask that she had in her hand. The dentist wore a mask - a loosely fitting surgical mask that he pulled off every time he spoke. What a ****.

It's exhausting to be ill and it's exhausting to have to constantly explain the vulnerabilities of illness and to have to request that people do the well known and simple actions that provide some protection.

I watched CAMPING VIBES on Viki and laughed again and again.

Today's perfume: Ambre Superfluide from the sample set by Les Eaux Primoriales. There are nine samples and only one that I dislike. (Couleur Primaire which smells exactly like laundry detergent.)

Once a week, on Sunday night, I take a medication that makes me even more exhausted than I usually am. I fight this; I try to force myself to get up. But this week I chose to stay in bed all day Monday and Tuesday, napping, reading, & watching k-dramas. I don't know if all that resting is why today I have been able to do the chores I do daily (clean the cat litter, take out the garbage & wash dishes) AND ALSO sweep the stoop, vacuum the hallway, mop the entryway, do laundry and sort through the china cabinet to choose what to give away. Wow.

Tomorrow I find out if all that activity was too much.

I have a new bottle of perfume, Ummagumma by Fzotic, and am enjoying complete solitude, so I have doused myself with scent. Yum.

First snow of the season today.

I felt anxious about the future.
I distracted myself by working on my perfume journal.
I washed some clothes by hand because the machine is not working. I find this easy to do.
I was sad.
I re-watched part of My Lovely Sam Soon.
I mopped the floor.
I whined to myself about my growing collection of ailments.
I entertained the cat.

For a long, long time I didn't spend any time with my mother. Then, for various reasons, mostly that she got old & needed help, I started visiting, & I found out that she & I used the exact same perfume. That seemed so odd to me. I wasn't aware she even wore perfume. And then she taught me to put perfume on at bedtime so I could enjoy it all I want without anyone complaining about it. I love doing this. Lots of scent! No one whining about it!

Eventually the perfume we both liked was discontinued. I tried to find a replacement for her, but nothing I gave her had the magic power. Ironic, as it was a rose scent, & there are so many options.

A few years ago I wanted to find a different perfume for myself & began ordering samples from Tigerlily Perfume (now called Ministry of Scent.) Omigod! I love this. Teeny, tiny bottles of scent that arrive by post.

This is a way to time travel: some scents smell like my grandmother's attic, some like beaches with tidepools, some like a house I lived in when I was 11 years old. I always associate the smell with places, never with persons.

Fav scents: Corpse Reviver (I'm on my second bottle of this) & Cherry Punk.

I started keeping track of the ingredients of each perfume to see if I could figure out why some scents make me sneeze. (Still don't know.) Also, I wanted to see if I had a pattern of what I like. (Evidently not.)

My perfume notebook got filled up, & it was a bit disorganized. Also, messy. So I've bought a new spiral bound book & am starting over. This time it will be somewhat alphabetical & also I'm going to record the definitions of all the perfume words I don't know. I look up unfamiliar words & then cannot recall the meaning again without having written it down.